I had a talk with my Mom Friday night and really cried my heart out to her. I miss her. I miss my friend, Cindy. (I've come to realize that being a pastor's wife puts me in a fishbowl for others to watch me. So, when I need to cry, I'm overly concerned about WHO I can cry to.) My Mom reminded me that I can always cry to the Lord. Well, honestly, I know that in my head, but truthfully, my heart didn't see the point. He knows my heart and I didn't feel like it would do any good to cry to Him over the SAME THINGS that I've been crying out to Him for for years. I know ALL the "sunday school" answers to these problems. I feel like Paul when he asked God to remove the thorn in his flesh.
So, here goes with crying my heart out...
We have ALOT of ladies in our church who are pregnant. Now, being a "young" church, this is to be expected (no pun intended). It's still a hard thing for me to be around so many ladies who are having babies when I know that it's not God's plan for me. I know that there is a purpose for everything that happens. I know that I'm blessed with a wonderful husband and we have a very special relationship. I know that I have alot of "kids" at church. All that being said, I still feel like I've missed something in my life. I can't explain it and it probably doesn't make sense to folks if they haven't been in that place too. Even now, typing this, the weight in my chest is heavy. I want to be happy for those ladies who have been blessed, but I can't seem to. I want to be excited for those women, but all I feel is hurt and left out.
Claude says that I should find true joy in the blessing that God has given to these women. I want to. But, just when I think that I've found it, (or at least found a way to deal with it), the happiness is overshadowed by my hurt and longing.
OK, so there. I finally put into words how I feel about the pregnancy thing. I ask that anyone who reads this, please pray for me. I truly want to be happy for these ladies. Several of the ladies are what I would consider good friends. So, what kind of friend does it make me that I can't be happy for them? GREAT! NOW I HAVE GUILT TOO! Seriously, please lift this up in prayer. I would love to know and understand how Paul dealt with his flaw.
I hope that folks reading this don't think any less of me for the things said. I just needed to really get out what I've been feeling inside. I've deleted this blog twice and put it back! Claude said that I should post it. He's wise, so I'll take his word for it!
12 comments:
It is one of the hardest things to deal with not having what you want in life and understanding God's plan. We *know* what we should be doing but it is a struggle to do it faithfully! Thanks for your honesty and your words of encouragement tonight!!
Love you Sheila
thanks kim! You are always such an encouragement! It's a true gift! Thanks for your friendship too!
The kind of friend it makes you, is a "real" friend with real feelings. When someone is a true friend, they will be understanding.
I hurt with you on this. I know you don't know me very well, but I can tell you that 3 of my best friends of 15 plus years are Pastor's wives. From the time I was a young lady, I was good friends with Pastor's wives. Mainly because I knew God was calling me to be one some day. Also, with everything that I have been through in my life, I know the importance of confidentiality. It is so hard for Pastor's wives to have close friends within the church...the whole fishbowl thing as you said...
I am now a Pastor's wife...even though he currently only preaches to fill in at area churches...I was a pastor's wife not too long ago.
So, if you need a friend, I am available anytime. I don't understand what you are going through, but I will support you and love you in Christ through it.
Thinking of you, and praying with you.
I am so thankful for your comment Jenn! I never planned on God calling me to be a pastor's wife, and I certainly don't see myself as fitting the mold of one so it means so much to have someone whose willing to be a confidante and understands how important that is! thank you! I just might take you up on your offer!!!!!
Well, it is like Lora E. said this morning..."I'm not your typical Pastor's wife". Neither am I. ; )
Call me anytime. Here is my email: jennifer.creates@gmail.com if you email me, I'll get my phone number to you. Feel free to call me anytime.
Blessings, jenn
Sheila,
I will be praying for you, friend!
Kathy
We love you Mrs. Sheila!!!
Praying Praying Praying!!
Meagan :-)
Sheila,
First off, I am so praying for you. I love you and I know you are hurting.
That said, God doesn't have a pastor's wife mold. He knew that you and Claude would be the right people for HIS purpose up at Discovery. He chose you and called you. I don't think pastors or their wives are every prepared for that calling. But you and Claude were obedient to listening and going. So many people choose not to go when called.
Second, nothing or no one can give you the comfort that only God can give you in this hurt. You are one of the most caring, nurturing people I know.
Hebrews 4:14-16
Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, "Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are- yet he did not sin." Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence,so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."
God is there Sheila, He will give you the comfort you need to carry you through your pain.
Sending my love and praying for your sorrow. May God give you the grace to endure this and come out all the stonger. May God bring you the right friends at the right times so that you don't feel like you're in a fish bowl being watched. And may you feel all the prayers going up to our gracious Lord and King on your behalf.
Thank you so much for the words and the encouragement. I'm so aware of the prayers going up because I'v been feeling the Holy Spirit's comfort in waves!
I know that the Holy Spirit understands my heart and the pain and the words even when I can't find them. My Lord's grace is sufficient!
My heart aches for you... praying!!!!
Just wanted to tell you that I love you!! This makes me think of one of my favorite verses in Prov. that a "friend loves at all times". I'm glad you wrote this post, because you've shared this side of your heart with me before and I think true friends will love you MORE for being honest and true to yourself. I know I do :)
Sheila- I just starting to read everyone's blog and never realized how many people do this (((Smile))). Anyhow, I just want to tell you that I love you. I will pray for you regarding this and I will pray that you do not feel left out. I will pray for us too that when we become mothers, we remember that we are still a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, etc and that we embrace those relationships along the way- not on the side. Also, I know we've talk about this before- but has God put it in your heart to adopt at all? Are you positive that that is not your calling? I agree, it's scary especially after many many years of it just being 2 people. It's scary in many aspects. However, you mentioned that you cried to your mom. How great does it feel to have a mom to cry too? Some kids don't have that. Coming from my heart I know you feel something is missing and there are children who feel something missing too. You know this already, we all do and I realize that doesn't mean we are called to adopt. But, I know you've prayed about this before, but maybe, just maybe pray again. If it is not God's calling for you that's okay, but if you are not sure if it is or not than you know what to do. This is hard for me to write. Sometimes we just want to write "fluffy" easy things, this is hard for me but I feel like I really need to share this especially because I care about you. I'm not sure if it's fear and fear alone that would stop you from seriously considering adoption. But, if is fear, I feel I need to tell you about the recent topic I listened to from Joyce Myers. She said, "When we're scared to do something we are actually putting more trust into the devil than we are into God." I'm praying for you, I truly am. xoxo Michelle
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